Today didn’t find me on a hiking trail or in a sea plane overlooking creation. Today… Today found me at Jesus’ feet, weeping in defeat and discouragement. It found me in apologies and sorrow unable to look up at Him, just in the fetal position at His feet, crying out to Him.
He looked down at His beloved, tears filled His eyes as he picked up my chin. He knew everything I felt, everything that made my heart so heavy. He had been holding his hand out, waiting for me to grab it for a while and this was the moment He had known I would have to make it to before I did so. He lifted my chin, held out his hand to help me up and told me to look Him in the eye. He said, “You are mine. Your peace and joy comes from me. Your healing and hope comes when you walk with me. When we are hand in hand.” “I don’t deserve this grace, Lord. I can’t accept it,” I would cry. “Ainsley. (If you don’t feel a heart squeeze thinking about Jesus calling you by name, whew!) You are MY daughter. MY heart and MY reason for dying on the cross. The exact reason you’re weeping at my feet is why I died. You have been forgiven and you WILL accept my grace because I didn’t die for you to feel so defeated and lifeless. I died to give you life abundantly and follow through with my promises. The empty promises you’ve heard from man are NOT an example of my provision and promise for your life. I am the God of the universe and I am FOR you. I am on your team and in your heart. I am the one you find on the trail and in the plane and on any and all other adventures we have been on and will continue to go on. I send angels before you to protect you, Daughter. I am Yours and You are MINE.”
I crawled up in His lap and rested my head on His shoulder. Weak and feeble I ran out of tears, but a flood of memories came back to me in that place. The promises, visions, dreams and goals he planted in my heart and in my life. Fear of abandonment, of the future and of so many other things vanished in His presence and I felt my heart in His care and unconditional love. He whispered, “I love you.” I whispered back, “I love you too. Thank you Jesus.”
I like imagining in adventures. I guess you know that if you read my previous post about hiking with Jesus, but today I feel like we are in an airplane. A small one & I’m sitting by the window. As I look out above the millions of trees and tiny bodies of water (we aren’t that high, more like a sea plane kinda thing) he says, “I made this for you. I made this so you can look out in awe and wonder at the beauty of nature and get a teeny tiny microscopic glimpse of what happens when I see you. You are worth SO much more than those trees you love. Those animals you get so happy seeing. You are more beautiful than those flowers in the fields and you often don’t believe it. You look in the mirror wondering what and how to “fix” yourself, but I made those flowers so you know that you’re ten zillion times more beautiful than they are.” I smile and tears fill my eyes as I look out of the window again. His arm around my shoulders he whispers, “Daughter, you will be cared for and grow and blossom as the lilies do. You will be strong and stand tall as the trees and you will be as calm as the still waters beneath us.”
Thank you, Father.
Keep close to Nature’s heart. Break clear away, once in a while, and climb a mountain or spend a week in the woods. Wash your spirit clean.John Muir (via h-o-r-n-g-r-y)
I wish I could sit here and answer any and all questions with definitive, clear responses that help guide and direct you. Ha, I wish I could ask someone for the same things. Yes, I do believe that Jesus guides and directs my every step and holds my right hand as I walk, but I’m not going to say that’s easy. I won’t fluff it up and say, “Just listen to Jesus and it’ll all be okay,” well, that is the very exact truth, but again, it’s not easy. I imagine Jesus and I walking hand in hand on a trail of some sort (I like hiking so let’s go with that). He holds my right hand and I look up at him as we are walking with bright eyes and the biggest smile. I can’t even look ahead at where I’m going because I’m allowing Him to guide me. That’s the ideal way to live life in my imagination. Even knowing what joy that brings me and even knowing that my happiest and most exciting days are the ones I spend the most time with Jesus, I sometimes glance away as we walk. Sometimes I bend down, pick up what I thought was a jewel but it turned to mud. Sometimes I’m trying to fight through the brush with my left hand to try and see what’s ahead. My control freak nature kicks in and all I want is answers. Clear, definitive answers. I’ll be the first to admit that listening to the voice of God is not always easy. HOWEVER, I’ll be the first to admit that hearing from Him is so fulfilling and brings so much freedom. During the looking away times and control freak times, He just looks at me, whispers, “trust me” and holds my hand even tighter. He doesn’t let go. I remember moments where I heard direction so clearly and remembering that as I walk is going to be the key in continuing on the trail. I won’t look behind except to remember the miracles and have the “remember when you told me this…?” laughing memories with Jesus. I’ll look down at his hand, see where the sacrifice scarred Him with humility and thankfulness and I’ll remember that that hand has fashioned my future and present and it’s so powerful and full of love that no matter what, I just need to listen to Jesus and it’ll all be okay. Big decisions are ahead, Jesus. Let’s walk.
God’s Not Dead had me wanting to run around Nashville telling people about Jesus. What a great movie.Tears everywhere, thank you Jesus.
When someone tells you, “I love you,” and then you feel, “Oh, I must be worthy after all,” that’s an illusion. That’s not true. Or someone says, “I hate you,” and you think, “Oh, God, I knew it; I’m not very worthy,” that’s not true either. Neither one of these thoughts hold any intrinsic reality. They are an overlay. When someone says, “I love you,” he is telling you about himself, not you. When someone says, “I hate you,” she is telling you about herself, not you. World views are self views—literally.Adyashanti (via larmoyante)